Dear God, Why are my pets retarded?
Some of you may know that I have a new addition to the household. I went on PetFinder.com this past summer and found a cute little ball of fur that only weighed 3 pounds. This critter was supposed to be a Belgian Shepherd and I named him Ulfric, after one of my favorite characters in the Laurel K. Hamilton, "Anita Blake" series. Ulfric and I have had an interesting few months. It began when we had the fun process of worming. My 3 lb. puppy shit a pound of freaking worms. You know, after working the street as a cop and being a mom, I thought I had pretty much covered all of the disgusting experiences a human could stumble upon. But, no...seeing a clump of live worms that closely resemble pasta squirming their way out of a puppy's shitting ass happened to top it all. Much worse, I had to clean it up so the little bastard didn't chow down on it. (Something that would have had me screaming in my sleep for weeks if I had observed it.)
Ulfric is only going into his fifth month but he now weighs close to 40 lbs. And, my Belgian Shepherd isn't Belgian...he is Dutch. Yes, I have a nationality-challenged dog. It does explain some of the weird things that he does, I'm convinced of it.
You see, Ulfric is in love. He is in love with Spiderman. This Spiderman is a doll of my son's and he began life as a well-abused action figure that was thrown across rooms and run over with toy trucks. After Spidey got to be boring to my son, he was adopted by my other strange pet- Trooper Kitty. Trooper is a big orange & white tomcat that started dragging Spiderman around by the head. The cat would drag this doll and then beat the shit out of it for a while, and then drag it some more. When it came time to visit the testicle fairy at the vet's office, Trooper Kitty took Spidey with him for comfort. After I brought Trooper's balless ass home, he and Spidey had a falling out. Trooper must have blamed the entire event on the doll because he broke it's neck and abandoned it. Spiderman languished in my son's toybox after that until he was discovered by Ulfric.
The puppy began his love affair with Spiderman by chewing off most of a leg. I had to go around picking up pieces of Spidey stuffing that were scattered about the house and yard. Fine, puppies chew, it is an expected thing. However, Ulfric decided to get amorous with Spidey and I decided it was time for an intervention. Uh huh...you read right- my dog began humping Spiderman.
So, the webbed wonder has been sent to that big landfill in the sky...well, actually, in the next town...and I am trying to make sure that my dog doesn't develop any further kinky habits like making love to G.I. Joe.