Assume the Position

Hello, my pets....yes, I've been neglecting you all, and I'm so very sorry. But, I've brought a new blog for you to check out. I was turned onto this one by my friends at Medialine.com and this story is enough to make me see red!!!! The fact that harassment of female officers is still alive and kicking is enough to make me power puke. In fact, it brings back many, many painful memories.

It's Wednesday, so it must be time for more asskicking...

Yes, my friends, it is that time again...that special, exciting time that I can let loose and free my inner bitch to run wild. This time, I'll let the customers alone. It's time to talk about a few of the people I work with that are in desperate need of an ass-kicking:

Rotten hostess-twat: Look, it's bad enough that you are obviously fucking evil. The fact that you are ugly as sin and refuse to crack a smile is bad enough, but I REALLY do not need to see you sucking face with your boyfriend from the kitchen when I turn a corner and unexpectedly run into the two of you dry-humping each other. Because of you, I may never be able to have sex, again. Oh, and the way you make sure that you seat me so that I'm fucked, have you gotten the clue yet that the bussers are in cahoots with me to foil your plans of shoving it up my ass every chance you get? Yep, sweetie, that's right....hard to fucking seat someone when the tables don't get cleared until I say so...and listening to you get bitched at by customers because they can't get seated just makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
Maybe next time you walk outside to hang all over kitchen-boy and see me on a smoke break, you'll freaking TELL me that you just triple-seated me, you rotten fucking twat.

Nazi-server-ho: I think that you have finally realized that the unholy light that you see in my eyes every time I see you is a clue that I'd love to rip out your throat and shit down your lung cavity. Here's another clue: You are NOT a fucking manager. You will never BE a fucking manager. Everyone that you work with hates you and thinks that you are pathetic. No one gives a fuck about the stupid shit you write on the whiteboard that you triumphantly proclaim are "inside jokes". I hate to break it to you...but YOU are the inside joke. Now, begone before I erase you like I do your stupid drivel on the whiteboard. (Ha, that really pisses you off, huh?)
Oh, one more piece of advice...if you ever make some comment about giving me an employee handbook again, I vow that I will shove it up your ass sideways. Smiling. While I do it.

Waiting...

Some of you are aware that I've taken a part-time job waiting tables at a pretty well-known chain restaurant. I thought it was truly going to suck big-time, but the fact of the matter is that I'm having a helluva good time. I work with a kick-ass group of people...and the company isn't that bad, either. But, I would not be your bitch goddess unless I had some ass-kicking to do. So, without further ado:


1) I swear to all that is holy and almighty that if one more cheap motherfucker comes in and asks for "just a glass of water with lemon", I'm going to cram it down their fucking throat.
Let me give you a clue, fucknut....you are drinking CITY NASTY-ASS fucking water, m'kay? This is the rotten drivel that even the ghetto rats won't consume. So, go ahead, you cheap fuck....suck ir down, I hope you choke on the lemon, you ignorant inbred asshole.

Um, here's another clue...this chain has a famous "all you can eat" thing that people normally get for lunch. Here's the catch, the lazy, fat fucks order this and say to me, "I'm gonna make it easy and get..."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, let's think about this. If I am running my simple ass off to get you unlimited fucking refills, it is NOT an EASY thing. As a result, I expect you to fairly compensate me for the time I've spent running around to fulfill your every fucking need. Don't go by the cheap ass bill because you got the special with fucking city water. PAY FOR ME RUNNING MY ASS OFF, YOU CHEAP FUCK!

I need to give the "Foot up the ass" award to the stupid fucking Flyer's fan, his ugly ass wife and their inbred kid I waited on today. First, these stupid morons order.......wait for it..............................
YES, city fucking water! For their snot-nosed kid, too. I give the brat a kiddie cup that is charged 75 cents for and goes with the kid's meal. Like I'm going to hand your hyper-active, inbred retard kid a large glass object with fluid in it. NO!
Then, you backwards, cheap fucks order two entrees and say, "we'll share with the kid".
Uh...okay. (You skinflint fucks.)
So, you share the salad with your mongrel child and then have the fucking nerve to give me shit about charging 75 cents for the kiddie cup? How bout I slam your simple ass with the $4 for the fucking salad?
THEN, you have the fucking nerve to bitch that your inbred child needs mints and you leave me $2 on a $30 bill.

Fuck you, you rotten cocksucker. No wonder you are part of those losing inbred fucks that cheer for the Flyers. You have no class and I hope you slide under a fucking bus.

What the HELL is wrong with the Amish?

Today, a three year old little boy was killed. He wasn't hit by a car...he didn't sucumb to an illness or anything else you might think that would befall a child of that age. This little guy was killed while riding on a horse-drawn manure spreader with his two year old brother. The poor little tyke somehow fell onto the feed belt of the spreader and was propelled underneath, basically ending up covered by a heavy layer of shit.
This is the second incident of this type, in as many months. The last one was another small child that was sent inside a grinder by his father....who then turned it on before checking to see that the boy was out!
I think that these two horrible deaths are textbook examples of "endangering the welfare of a child".
How many more children must die in gory farm machinery deaths until something is done to stop this?

The Agony of "dese" feet!

I ran into someone the other night that informed me that we had a mutual friend....my old ice hockey coach. He's a great guy...he taught me a lot about skating and goaltended. This person told me that I should give the coach a call...so I did.
Coach called me back within minutes and asked if I was available to play a scrimmage that evening. I agreed.
Now, I haven't played since early 2002. I had two spinal surgeries to recover from....none of them were related to hockey....just police work. As a result, I was pretty damn nervous about playing. And, there was to be a news crew there, filming us for some story. I figured it would be good comedy TV if they happened to get me.
It was so great to see the gals....I was very impressed by some of the improvements I observed in some of the players. Coach must have been cracking the whip.
I arrived at the rink and lugged in my humongous bag of goalie gear. Let me tell you....this stuff smelled EVIL! I hadn't had a chance to air it out on such short notice.
I'm embarassed to admit that I forgot how to use the ties on the toe of the leg pads. This resulted in me taking a few face plants on the ice when I ran over one of them.
However, I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly it all came back to me. I certainly didn't give a Brodeur performance, but I was still happy about the result.
We didn't keep score, I was the only goalie and I played half of the time with one team and then switched nets.
Now.....I feel like every part of my body has been beaten to within an inch of paralysis.
I will link the news clip here if they put it on the site.

I need to go pray for death, now.

A Courtesy Flush, Please!

I finally played poker "live". I saw a tournament that was being advertised on the sign of a local bar for Thursday nights, so I wandered in and gave it a try. There were 18 people that showed up to play and I was one of two women. My very first hand was a K/10 and the flop was A/Q/J! Two of the guys went all-in....heh, I took 'em out with a sweet smile.

I stayed in until there were only two tables left and got knocked out on a bad beat in 11th place. I had pocket Aces...the other guy scored a flush, Jack high on the river......grrrrrr! But, I had a really good time!

Assume the Position: ReLaunch!

Okay, I'm not proud...I'll gladly confess that I have been seriously jonesing to blog. I tried to do it myself, and I was able to get most of what I wanted done, until I screwed up the whole thing! I put out a plea on the TMMB and an Intoxicated Wombat came to my rescue! {Scootah...I don't care what they say about you....you are on my list of fantasy wombats!} Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!!!!! *MUAH*
So....welcome to the NEW "Assume The Position"!