Groundpiggies, Rat-Bastard Squirrels, and the tortures of running.

Any one of you that is one of those freaks that lives for running ridiculous distances without a realization that you are insane, please lean closer to the screen for TG. That's it, c'mere, just a little closer....

URGGGGHR! Yeah, bitch...I have you by your obnoxious nose/ear/hair/nipple/whatever I could grab! Listen to me, very carefully...you rotten fucks have something seriously wrong with you that you ENJOY this running shit. You all need your heads bashed together until you wake up to reality!

Holy cunt-monkeys...I HATE to run...but, yes, I am still doing it and no...I have still not smoked. I didn't think it was possible for me to become any more of a flaming bitch than I already was, but I've managed to exceed even my own expectations.

Yeah, I'm so proud.

Next issue: Hey, Octarara and Punxetawny (or however the fuck you spell it) PA! Don't you think it might be time to go out and trap yourself a new, fat groundpiggy to replace that dead, moth-eaten thing that you drag out of the cellar every 2nd of February? Here's a clue: when even small children are freaked out by the disgustingness of Phil the groundpiggy, it is time to cremate the little furry fuck and get ya a new one. In fact, I have the perfect specimen for you. I have one of the fattest, roly-poly groundpiggies that you could ever ask for...and the best part is, the damn thing is so freaking stupid. He waddles his fat ass across my yard at what he thinks is Warp Factor 3 with his huge hindquarters bouncing all over the place and dragging him to one side or another. He finally slams into the bottom of the deck where he proceeds to get stuck because his fat ass can't fit going out. When the dumb shit does this, I get treated to a chorus of groundpiggy obscenities. I'm actually glad the prick is stuck by that point.

Oh...before any animal lovers write to me so they can bitch, let me say this:

Fuck you and your whiny-ass, tree-hugging, paint-throwing, wussy-ass bullshit!
To make sure it is clear: FUCK YOU, TWICE!

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I really do love my groudpiggy. It's the squirrels that need to die a screaming death while choking on their own blood. If you saw the destruction that the mangy little fucks did, you would understand. These little bastards do a few interesting tricks. They chew the hell out of anything important that you might lock away and they can queeze into. Thier second special trick is to unfailingly decide to sacrifice one of themselves on any night that you have some special TV watching planned. One of them will throw themselves into a trasformer causing it to explode and plunge several neighborhoods into darkness. If you listen closely, you can hear them tittering while the husbands and fathers are howling their frustration at the ceiling.
The final special squirrel trick is that they are constantly horny. I don't know why the the phrase "fucks like bunnies" got started. I've never seen bunnies doing the nasty (except for my step-mother's freak of nature "Bun-Bun" that assraped a cat...but that's another story.) I have seen squirrels humping each other on a regular basis.
If it isn't bad enough that the little shits are constantly fucking, they also get help from our neighborhood fuckwit: Squirrel Man.
Squirrel Man imports more squirrels into the neighborhood. He traps them at his father's house and brings them to this development so that he can have a "Born Free" moment. I am accepting any and all suggestions to stop this moron. So far I have:

• impaled dead squirrels on the tree in front of my house, placed "just so" for when Squirrel Man takes his walk past my house.
• I have lined up the dead furry fucks on top of the trasformer with their heads hanging backwards so that they can fix Squirrel Man with a death gaze.

I guess the next thing is to put on my redneck gear, walk over to Squirrel Man's house next time I see him outside and start the following conversation:

Me: Hey Squirrel Man! Can you bring me some new squirrels soon? If you can, bring some faster ones...this group didn't do very well at target practice and I got'em all."