Weird and Wonderful Goddess Gems

I enjoyed reading Damian's and Laurie's lists so much that I figured I would give it a shot. I'll be surprised if I can make it to 100 (or if you even think it's interesting enough to read all of it). Eh, what the hell...

1. Since I've been involved with a "poop war" with Laurie, I'll share this: I am lucky if I take a shit once every two or three weeks. In other words, I am literally full of shit.
2. Watching Ice Hockey makes me hot...so does Boxing. In fact...if you take me to a boxing match or a hockey game, you will either put out or make sure I'm well-stocked in batteries.
3. I can eat my weight in snow crab legs. It's normally a good idea not to get too close to me when there are crab legs around...I might hurt you if I think you're mackin' on my food.
4. I once did a heart massage. Putting my hand inside another human being's chest and actually holding their heart was an incredible experience.
5. I have been stalked, numerous times. One of my stalkers followed me around while I was on patrol and tried to get me to shoot her. She believed that if I killed her, she would"become" me.
6. I entered a beauty pageant on a dare...and won two national titles.
7. I like to fart. Loudly. It makes me happy.
8. I truly believe that tuna fish is a byproduct of the AntiChrist. If you bring some near me, I will cut you.
9. One of my fondest wishes is to travel to Europe.
10. I used to live in a building that was used as a hospital during the Battle of Gettysburg. I shared my home with a very mischievous ghost.
11. I count as one of my greatest experiences ever the time I had the opportunity to play with, hold and feed a bottle to an African Lion cub.
12. I ran into Bob Dylan in a hotel elevator. When we were talking, we realized that we were both heading to separate performances. He actually wished me luck in conducting at Drum Corps Assoc. World Championships.
13. I got freaky with one of the Kinks.
14. I can play any musical instrument but the strings.
15. As a result of my involvement in the prosecution of a nationally known case, I had the opportunity to meet the Pittsburgh Penguins at a private party and I held the Stanley Cup. (And, so began my obsession with hockey...)
16. I would do anything to have my Granny back. She was the biggest influence on my life. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her.
17. One of the hardest things I've ever done was to take my German Shephard, Bridget, to be put to sleep. Though I know it was necessary, I still second guess myself and feel guilty.
18. I once worked 72 hours straight to quell a state prison riot. I arrived at the scene in style...inside a state police helicopter.
19. One of my career goals is to be a K-9 officer.
20. A really mind-blowing experience: While performing in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, I looked up from my conducting and saw myself 6 stories tall on the screen mounted in Times Square.
21. I was a guest on the Today Show and I was so drunk that I could barely stand up. (Beware of drummers bearing SamBuca!)
22. I once leapt from a third floor fire escape into a dumpster full of empty beer cases while being cheered on by drunken cops from all over the nation.
23. I (and everyone that was in my party) was ejected from an Outback restaurant in FL for hog-calling.
24. I was almost killed when I was hit by a drunk driver while standing outside of my patrol car on a traffic stop.
25. Prior to 9/11, I was the only female officer to have received the Medal of Valor from the American Police Hall of Fame. It was for effecting the arrest of the above drunk while severely injured.

Damn, this shit is HARD. More later...hope you didn't fall asleep on me. If you did, I'll be whooping your ass on Wednesday.

Whip it! Whip it good!
Oh yeah....it is Wednesday and that means it is time for me to SMACK THAT ASS! Hmmm, let's see what the Goddess has in store for the week:

Laurie: Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know...I've been having a good time spanking this pleasurable ass every single chance I get. But, COME ON!!! Have you SEEN it?
Besides the reason that I just want to get my hands on Laurie's ass, she is getting a spanking because Beauty and the Beer has been nominated to Best of the Blogs for "Snarkiest Blog".
Go vote or I'll add you to the list for an ass-kicking!

Beda Kent, Houston FD: Girl...I am in fucking AWE of you! Taking your captain's promotion test and ACING it within 12 hours of giving birth? Beda...this Goddess wants you to know that you are an inspiration...good luck and congrats!

MLK (and those that do their best to carry the flame): In this screwed up world, I have to save a gentle spanking for Dr. King and all people that strive to live by the things that he taught. It concerns me when I hear people that are not African-American talk of this holiday as if it is unimportant. Dr. King was not only searching for a better life for African-Americans...he wanted an America where all people were treated with respect and had every opportunity to be the best person that they could be. So, the Goddess says...rest easy, Dr. King...we haven't forgotten your teachings.

Time to Whip it:
Mother Nature: Will you MAKE up your fucking mind? I'm getting sick of these temperature changes of 30-50 degrees, sometimes within 12 hours....even lately within 30 minutes!! Mama Nature, what the hell has crawled up your ass and died that you have gotten it in your head to be such a rotten bitch?

The-one-who-shall-not-be-named-but-everyone-knows-who-you-are: Look, you need to think through your actions of the past week or so. You may think that you are suddenly hot shit, but you would be surprised as to the amount of people that have noticed your rat-fuck behavior and have made it known to me. People that drop friends to "be cool" is something that you should have gotten over in high school. Wake up to reality...your "cool factor" is disappearing almost as fast as your friends.

Goddess gem: Mama...the poop war is on. You may as well surrender because I'm working up a good one!

The Shield's Newest Rook

Paula Garces is new this season, playing Officer Tina Hanlon who is being trained by Julian as her FTO.

I have to say that I am impressed and gratified to the writers of this show...they provided some very strong women that were/are good cops. CCH Pounder (Detective Wyms), Officer Danny Sofer (Catherine Dent) and Captain Monica Rawlings (Glenn Close) all portrayed women that had pride in their work, made sure that they did the job and did it well, yet were still able to maintain the fact that they are women and can still act like it.

Now, with Season 5, Officer Tina Hanlon comes along to show us an example of someone that just doesn't quite get "it". She seems to look at the "barn" as being a singles bar or meat market, using her feminity as coin to trade on instead of buckling down and learning to be a capable officer. As a result, she is putting off a vibe that she is expecting to have certain things "let slide" because she is cute. Unfortunately, she is placed with an FTO that is immune to her charms and is only worried about making sure she can do the job right and not get herself or another officer injured or killed.

Tina had been warned by Danny about the officer safety issue of wearing jewelry on the job. There's a good reason for that advice and Tina learned the hard way in tonight's episode. No, there's never a guarantee that a suspect is going to automatically rip out an earring or use your long hair to control you...but, the women that have gone ahead of you and forged that path have already learned the lesson the hard way, some of them by making the ultimate sacrifice. When our advice falls on ears that will not listen, it can be frustrating. But, I know that most veteran female officers will still continue to be there to guide.

Danny proved this point in tonight's episode when she strongly suggested to Julian that it was his duty to address Tina's overuse of force in a different manner. Was Tina guilty of excessive force? You are damn right, she was! She was so caught up in getting even that she forgot the important rule: Only enough force to overcome resistance, and when that resistance stops, so does the force used!

It was interesting because I watched this with the husband. His immediate comment was that the asshole deserved it. This is just one more clue that we are not compatible. In all of my time as a police officer, I have never used force to get back at someone. In fact, I made it a personal point of honor that I would use the least amount that I could...especially when someone had assaulted me. Don't get me wrong, I'm the first one there to jump in with another officer to go toe-to-toe. But, I've always brought my prisoner back to the station without having taken a few "licks" to teach them a lesson. When we do that kind of thing, we lower ourselves to their level.

It's Linky, it's linky!


Yeah, I know that all of you are humming that whacked slinky song now...sorry.
I wanted to point out that there are two new links on this blog:
The Enforcer's Notebook and Tales from the Domestic Front. I think they are worth checking out, so be kind and read them.

*EDIT* Make sure that all of you go and vote for my girl, Laurie from "Beauty and the Beer" (see links). She was nominated for Best Snarky Blog!!! Go vote, dammit!

Goddess gem: Make war, not love. If the Goddess ain't gettin' it, then I don't want anyone else having it!

Rear Body Armor Required

There is nothing else on God's green earth that pisses me off more than a back-stabbing bitch. Just think about this a second...I realize that I'm not the voice echoing from a burning bush, after all...I keep that trimmed and landscaped, and the Goddess is not into burning. That means your shit is wrong and you need to get to the Doc. And, as wonderful as the Goddess's party patch is...I haven't quite taught it to speak. Hence, no voice coming out of that thing....yet. (Shit, DUCK...there went a tangent!)

But, getting back to my point. You would think that when you have a friend that you've gotten to know, that you would be able to tell if they were going to shank you in the ass. These people need to have warning labels attached to them:
Attention: Do not attempt to become friendly with this person. They will screw you up the ass without the benefit of lube on the earliest opportunity.

Pfft....noooooo! That would make life too easy. Hell, once these back-stabbing rat bastards are identified, you should be able to go to your local courthouse and procure tags for hunting them.

I do have to say, though, that the assholes certainly make the true friends that you find to be so much sweeter and precious. HAHAHAHAHA, it's going to kill me to say this, but Hans_G is one of those people and he's been so wonderful. (Love you, Hansy...even if your taste in hockey sucks.) Luke, Laurie and the rest of the gang...much love!

Whippin' That Ass

It must be Wednesday, because I am in a serious ass-kicking mood. It seems I can't take a breath without someone or something pissing me off. You think that fate would give a goddess a break, but no...fate has obviously decided to become an amateur proctologist and see how much and how hard it can shove an unlimited supply of ginormous fuck-you's right Up MY ASS! As a result, ain't nobody getting a pleasurable spanking. Tough shit...why should I make YOUR ass feel better? What have you done for a bitch, lately, huh?

Pittsburgh Penguins- What in the flying FUCK is the major malfunction with you guys??? How do you expect me to hold my head up and defend your sorry asses when it comes to those rotten ratfuck Flyers fans (Bite me, Hans!) when you play like you have your heads firmly implanted in your anus? Yeah...okay, the first half of the season was a wash but does that mean that you have to play like the US Women's Hockey team? No...actually, I think even the US Women's team could whip your asses, right now. I suggest you start playing like you have some hairy dangly things before there is a uniform change and you rat bastards have to play in skirts.

Senate Judiciary Committee- You all are some pompous, over-inflated windbags. Do you realize that if you put a fraction of that effort that you put forth in grandstanding towards actually making a freaking effort at getting something DONE, we wouldn't have HALF the problems we have, today. Shut your fucking mouths and DO the job that you were sent to do. No one gives a flying shit about your petty power-grabbing speeches. If I had my choice, I'd send fate over to visit each and every one of you when it comes knocking on my door in the mood to do some colon exploration.

Senator Arlen Spector- This is your second time that you have made my ass-whoopin' list. What kind of fucktard are you that you want to pass a law saying that people cannot express their opinion on the internet? Anyone that gets their panties in a wad over shit said online needs a foot up their ass to wake them up to reality. Get a fucking life...if you can't take people telling you that you are a fucking moron because you are to obtuse to see the obvious, then press that little power button. Otherwise, shut up and crawl back under your rock so no one has to deal with you.

Goddess gem: What if the hokey-pokey is really what it is all about?

Bald is Beautiful!

Yuuuuuummy! It is almost time for The Shield to return to FX with a new season. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow night at 10pm!
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Happy 2006!


Here's wishing that everyone has a happy and safe New year!

Goddess gem: Oh, Sambuca...I love you SO! (But, I will fucking hate you when I wake up!) Happy New Year!