The Little Boy That Wasn't
One unfortunate side effect of my job is that I get uninvited guests when I need them the least: usually when I am asleep or trying to sleep. I know it sounds like I am crazy and maybe I am, but I like to think that these visitors help me keep my humanity in a career that can strip you of it without you even being aware until it is too late and your life is forever altered.

One of my most frequent visitors has been dead for years. He was a very young child. An innocent child that was used and thrown away, much like someone would use a tissue or a condom. And, he has not truly been given justice.

Logan is the one that comes to visit the most. He was 23 months old and had no pulse or respiration. Logan had been returned to his parents by a judge only 72 hours before from a loving, caring foster family. 72 hours was all it took for his parents to beat him to death. He was such a beautiful little boy and he was wearing a set of Disney diapers. The fact that I was doing CPR on this angel felt like an obscenity. My tears were falling on my hands while I was doing chest compressions and I was begging him to open his eyes and live. Unfortunately, even though every medical procedure was performed to give this little boy a fighting chance, he never did come back to us. When the ER physician decided that it was time to stop, even he was crying. He picked up Logan from the gurney and cradled him close, his voice cracking as he stated the time of death. After that, the doctor gently handed Logan to a nurse and he was held and rocked by each person that had worked feverishly on him.

As I write this, I can remember so clearly the amazement I felt at the slight weight of this child as I held him close to me. I remember hoping that the hard edges of my bulletproof vest weren’t hurting him and then crying even more when I realized that he was beyond that. I laid him back upon the gurney and unchecked the wheels so that I could push it on our solitary trip to the morgue. Turning off the light and locking the door with Logan inside and by himself is still one of the most gut-wrenching actions that I have taken to this day. His first visit to me was that night and it was in the guise of being frightened and alone. I woke up with tears streaming down my face and I was unable to return to sleep that night.

I will be forever grateful to Logan’s foster parents. They shared a video tape of a happy time when he was pushing one of those bubble mowers around their yard. I was finally able to see this child laughing and happy, instead of lying still and unresponsive.

Logan’s mother was convicted of beating him to death and received 23 months in prison. One month for each month of his life. She was pregnant went she went to trial. I often wonder if Logan visits her or the judge that sent him back to her. In a way, I hope that he doesn’t, because I don’t feel that either of them deserve to have his presence.

Having Logan around isn’t easy, but I believe that remembering someone so special that touched my life for a brief time is worth the pain and heartache. I hope that this little boy knows somehow that he will always have a welcome place in my memories and my heart.